Basketball 4U - Don't Golf My Way...

The game of golf is a "gentleman's" game. The game of golf is a "gentlewoman's" game.

The mis-adventure into my "golfing career" started for me, when I was in the U.S. Air Force, as there were six of us, who worked in the procurement office, at the radar site where I was stationed. Four of the six people in the office played golf at the time. I didn't play, because I didn't know how to...I knew nothing about golf. And every Monday morning...without fail, it was the same old broken record...all I heard was golf...golf...and more golf!

I told these guys, that I didn't think the game of golf was that difficult! It looked pretty simple to me. The golfer hits the ball out in this big pasture...chases it...hits it again...chases it...hits it again...knocks the ball in the hole...what can be so difficult about that? BIG DEAL!

"Okay...'Mr. Golf' (I was told), if you think golf is so easy...why don't you come out this week-end, and show us all how to play the game!" I've always like a good challenge, so I responded, "Well...I've never been out there on that big pasture before, but I hope you won't get mad if I SHOW YOU ALL UP!" I gladly took up the invitation, and now I would see for myself what this game of golf was really all about. The four of us met at the golf course on Saturday morning. At this point, I didn't know one golf club in the bag...from a country club or a night club. But, I was a little nervous...because I wondered if I had opened up another can of worms with my BIG MOUTH again!

"I show you guys a thing or two about the game of golf...no warm up for me...let's just get started!"

Hole #1; (Tee shot) I hit the ball hard, but as they call it in golf, I hit it sharply to the right (a slice), which is technically called a "banana" in the golf world! I would be saying "hello" to the rough all morning...something I was not looking forward to! I eventually got the ball up on the green and finished the hole.

Hole #2 (Tee shot) Again... I took a healthy swing, and I was looking for the ball down the fairway someplace...hopefully...about 300 yards down the fairway...but it wasn't to be! I topped the ball...knobbed it...and the ball trickled down off the tee...off to the right... down the hill...about 10-12 yards! (blush-blush) Needless to say, I did not get off to a good start in the game of golf!

Hole #3; Tee shot) There was a fence off to the right of the fairway, which was out of bounds. I hit my "banana" toward the right ...it bounced over the fence, and into a church parking lot! (My golf ball decided to go to church on Saturday instead of Sunday) Oh, well...the first ball lost, and little did I know at the time, that I would lose more golf balls playing this silly game!

Hole #4; The misery worsened, as my tee shot went in the other direction, which is called a "hook" in golf. At this point, the score card reads...two bananas and two hooks! My second shot, which was supposed get me out of the spinach...stayed in the spinach...but I was closer to the green! (Yahoo!)

Hole #5; My tee shot on the 5th hole, is what is known in golf as a "worm-burner," meaning that the ball doesn't get up into the air at all. The ball s-w--i-i-i-i-i-shes along the top of the grass, and with the moisture on the grass...pretty much keeps the ball from going very far!

At this point, the game of golf was beginning to be painful for me...I was getting frustrated, but I couldn't let the guys know I was already suffering!

Hole #6; Off the tee...I did again...I hit the ball a long way, but into the spinach (that's a technical golf term for the rough) Out of the spinach, I hit the second shot over the green, and into another fairway! At this point, things are not looking good for me, in the silly game called golf! Who invented this stupid game, anyway? Oh...I remember...the game was invented by the people on the other side of the great pond...who speak that "funny English," I remember...someplace in England!

Hole #7; Next...a par 3 hole: This hole would be tough because I have less strokes and holes to screw up! Since this hole was shorter, I thought I would do better...but, I didn't! Off the tee, I hit another hook...and the ball landed in the left cabbage patch.

I got out of the spinach okay, and the ball landed in front of a pond. My chip shot was supposed to go over this pond...and onto the green and near the hole...but, a funny thing happened to my ball on the way to the hole...KER-PLUNK...the ugly sound of a SPLASH...as my ball went in for a swim in the water-hazard! Another ball lost, and this silly game is costing me money!

Hole #8; This was my nightmare hole! I hit the fairway for the first time...the only problem is that I hit the fairway NEXT DOOR, and had to get back on MY fairway! (This game is so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o stupid!) As usual, I found myself in the lettuce...and, I managed to hit my chip shot into one of the sand-boxes near the green. It was on this green, is where I didn't know if I was playing golf...or ping-pong! I hit the STUPID ball out of the sand=box...and it rolled over the green and into the other sand-box across the green!

Mad as a dog, I stormed over the green and into the other sand-box, and it took me three shots to get out of that (expletive) trap! (compose yourself, Jer). Again, I hit the sand shot, and my ball rolled across the green AGAIN...and into the sand-box from where I just came! All in all...I hit the ball FIVE TIMES to get out of one stupid sand-box! And, then I hit the ball BACK into the other bunker across the green! (I have to tell you, the laughter from the guys was deafening!)

Hole #9 (Tee-shot) Nobody ever believes me when I tell this story about the 9th tee shot, but it's TRUE! As we turned the corner, on the first nine holes, the wind was in our face, and it was now blowing quite hard as the morning progressed! When I teed off...I got UNDER the ball so much...I hit it so high...straight up in the air...that the wind got a hold of it...and carried it BACK...to where I teed off from...and dropped it about 12 YARDS BEHIND me! TRUE STORY!

But, things got worse for me on the ninth hole! On my approach shot to the green, which was about 20 yards...I hit my best shot....if I may brag a little! The only problem with the shot...is that...it was my DIVOT that landed about 6 inches from the cup! (The laughter from my friends was deafening!) "Do you guys mind...I have to concentrate on my shots!"

Of my nine tee shots...four of them landed in the spinach or the cabbage patch; one of the tee shots, went over the fence, and into a church parking lot; another ball bounced down the street and into a used car lot; I hit a hand-full of fairways with my shots, but none of them were mine; I hit three trees that were planted in the wrong place; I scattered worms and gophers on the course all morning; I lost three balls; my high score on any hole was 17; I hit two worm-burners; I hit one tee shot BEHIND ME...and other than that...I think I had a pretty good round of golf!

You're probably wondering about my opinions about the "wonderful" game of golf...expletive *&(^%$@#@@!expletive! !!!!!!!^&%$#@&^ expletive! *&%$#@)*^ expletive!sulk&^%$#whine*(&^%STUPID GAME! *((&^%$#@)(&^@@###expletive&^%$$$)_(_)__$#@stupido...grow;^&%$$$...

People have asked my what my handicap in golf is. My answer: "GOLF!" Do intelligent and educated people really play this game to relax?

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